Soapboxing- Ruth’s Story

The Soap Boxing Poetry Slam on Monday April 6th 2009 was awesomely hosted by local poet/performer Ruth F. Kohtz. Ruth and Consequences. An Inconvenient Ruth. Me. This is my story.

I arrived at the AQ early. I needed time to scarf my Scooby Doo Mac ‘n Cheese and learn the ropes of what I was about to do. Even after competing in and attending numerous slams throughout the year (and heckling other hosts for doing it wrong[sorry Mike Brody]), hosting a slam is more difficult than it seems. You have to find judges. Then you have to remember the rules. You have to count (out loud) and remember to find out what the final score is and THEN announce the next person. All the while remember to announce upcoming events and keep the energy moving, without being awkward. Or, at least, be charmingly awkward.

One of my personal slam peeves is when a slam lasts for 3 and a half hours. I believe that is TOO LONG. So it was my mission to POUND IT OUT. Poetry, fast and in your face, with only one left standing.

Monday night would prove to be quite the race to the finish. It was poets’ last chance to qualify for the Soap Boxing Finals bout on May 4, which will determine the 4 members of St. Paul’s national team.

All the judges were folks who had never been to a slam at the AQ before, and varied from college students to people…with more life experience. They were friendly, awesome, and ready to score from their guts.

After I awkwardly charmed the crowd of mostly newcomers through the way the slam would go down, Michael Schaeffer came up to sacrifice. He performed a delightful piece about how poetry slam is like racecars, which was hilarious because just before that I said that poetry slam is like Nascar. One of the highlights of Michael’s poem was the reference to Sam Cook (who was in attendance but not competing) as the unicycle. Because unicycles are goofy and not racecars.

The first round had 10 poets, who performed not in this order:

Jenn Sparks did her anarchy poem, which I basically wrote. Not really. I did almost get arrested at the RNC, though. Not really.
Inky said that a human heart is the size of a fist, not knowing I wrote a play 2 years ago with the same line in it. We both stole it, if you can steal facts.

Britta sang in her poem, which I haven’t seen done a lot in our scene so it was a pleasant deviation from form.

Wonder Dave bounced onto the stage, which is how you know he’s about to do something funny.

Shane Hawley was loud and in love, which always gives me the tingles.

Homeless Ryan K doesn’t like to call women b****es, but does anyway.

Michael Mlekoday talks about lightning bugs, but not fireflies.

EZRA..is tall, which means I didn’t catch most of what he said.
Pat D. was tender and lyrical as usual, and was warmly rewarded with a .5 from one of the judges.

Jah 4 Real did her poem about boys who don’t call. I like it when she acts out texting.

First Round Highlight:
A gang of audience members who told me I was pretty every time I came on stage, and they weren’t even my friends!
Side Note: I am very pretty.
PS: I also wasn’t wearing a bra.

SECOND ROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!OMG

We blasted off into the second round, leaving behind Pat D & Jah 4 Real. Give it up for the poets, not the scores.

(Woo.)

Jenn Sparks did a poem she had just written in the break between first and second round. Gutsy, eh?
Inky performed a piece about not knowing how to talk about sex, which means she doesn’t hang out with me and Wonder Dave enough.

Britta expressed her appreciation for Latin culture by speaking in Spanish, which got some audience members all hot and bothered.

Wonder Dave walked somberly onto stage, which is how you know he’s about to be a big downer.

Shane Hawley was loud and in love while talking about some mythical place he goes.

Homeless Ryan K. believes food preferences do not define one’s mental health. But I think it can help!

Michael Mlekoday stole lines from Bob the Builder and Barack Obama under the guise of his baby nephew.

EZRA is a very tall camera.

Second Round Highlight: I didn’t take any notes, so I don’t remember. Did someone say I looked pretty?

In between Second & Third Rounds, there was a special performance by Desdemona!

It was fun.

Third round? Third Round.

Third Round saw the exit of Jenn Sparks, Inky, and Britta. I personally think that the poems performed by these women took more risks than some of the other performances, and were in turn not rewarded by this particular audience. Anyway, on to all the poems I’d already heard a million times:

Wonder Dave performed 7,000 Lashes, reminding the other poets that you do not bring bull**** to a poetry slam.

Shane Hawley changed his tone by being loud and full of hate, directed at Atlantic City. Homeless Ryan K. revealed that drinking can make you feel better. Or something. Michael Mlekoday reminded me that I have to walk by Legoland every day at the Mall of America, which is not something my little Lego people did when I was a child.

EZRA’s poem was not about the zombie apocalypse, even though I thought it was. Round three was definitely close, and at the end of the night the top 3 looked like this:

3rd: Michael Mlekoday
2nd: Shane Hawley
1st: Wonder Dave

H.O.T.

Eight poets performing in the Soap Boxing Poetry Slam Grand Slam on May 4:
6 is 9
el guante
Wonder Dave
Gary Dopp
Jenn Sparks
Sam Cook
Sierra DeMulder
Michael Mlekoday

The slam clocked in at 2.5 hours, fast and furious, just like I like it. I hope everybody else liked it too!

For those who stuck around after the final results, Desdemona performed a few more poems. Including one about how I should want people to like me for my wits and intelligence and not because I’m pretty. Oh well, maybe next time!

Thanks for having me, MN Mic!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo,
Ruth